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A good friend of mine, a girl we’re calling Your Mama in this post, is going to Costa Rica for the first time this month. Now, Your Mama likes to get busy. Once, while drinking heavily in Australia, she and a friend got into a competition to see who had screwed more letters of the alphabet (first name starts with…). Within 2 more beers they had identified the letters each needed to screw in order to round things out. I think she needed an M, an E and a K, or something like that. Anyway, they then made a bet to see who could get all the way from A to Z first.

She won. Of course she won, she’s a girl. Basically, all she has to say is “Hey Kevin, wanna screw me? I need a K.”. Unfair fight.

Now, I’ve taken it upon myself to write her a travel guide for her next trip. Here it is:

Alright, we’re going to have to give you a full spectrum of options here– there are lots of different traveler groups doing the backpacker thing in Costa Rica, so think of this trip as a kind of a Cost Plus for sexual shopping: you will have your exotic international hardwood furniture mixed in with faux-classy european junk, and a dash of really expensive fine candlesticks.

Basically, Costa Rica has 4 kinds of tourists:

1. Early-mid 20s Eurotrash. This includes Israelis and Canadians too– there are lots of traveling Jews there, mostly surfers from Tel Aviv. This group is generally fairly unwashed but pretty goddamn fun to party with.
2. Gringo Surfers. You know your way around this lot pretty well already. Think of this as your Plan B group.
3. Older guys there to go sportfishing, golfing and whoring. These guys stay in the nicer places and tend to be pretty loaded (on more than just booze) and like younger blondes a lot. But they tend toward obnoxiousness and they’ll likely be married too.
4. Traveling couples there for romance and nature (birdwatchers, etc). I almost didn’t mention this group, because they won’t apply to you.

First, some basics. Some serious stuff:

You’re gonna land in Alajuela, a suburb of San Jose. I generally high-tail it outta there as quickly as possible. San Jose is a big, confusing, bustling city, and I’m not a fan of big cities. But this is where the airport and the Coca Cola bus terminal are, so you’ll have to deal with it. Be careful at the bus terminal– this is the area with the most crime in the whole country. Muggings, etc. And if you rent a car at the airport and get a flat tire not long after that, DON’T STOP– drive that fucker on the flat right to a gas station or right back to the rental agency. There’s a common scam where thieves will drop nails onto the road around the airport rental agencies, then follow rental cars and wait for the drivers to pull over, then they rob them. This isn’t super-common, but it happened to me once and has been reported by countless others, and I avoided a problem by driving back to the rental agency.

Generally though, Costa Rica is a pretty safe place to travel. Violent crime is fairly rare, though I hear it’s been on a rapid upswing in the last 3 years.

You won’t really want to go anywhere alone in San Jose though, not at night. Just get a taxi to a good hotel if you arrive at night (I hear the Balmoral is super nice), and then get the fuck out in the morning. You’ll need to hit downtown there if you’re going to Mora Books, but do it during the day.

Since this is a Booze blog, I have to mention the booze: Ron Centenario is some damn nice rum, but you will also be able to find Flor de Caña, one of the best rums on the planet, in a lot of places for dirt cheap. Costa Rican beer is good– light and refreshing, but it’ll get you fucked up pretty quick too. Their homemade firewater, Guaro, is some pretty nasty shit. I’ve actually cooked with it in my MSR Whisperlight Internationale stove. It’s better to use it as cooking gas than it is to try to get gassed on it.

One of the reasons I love Costa Rica is because, usually, beer is cheaper than bottled water.

Now, some places to see, along with the truth about what you’ll likely find there:

A Wop, a Jew and a Portuguee Walk Into a Bar…

You have 4 directions you can go from San Jose, but we’ll start with the direction I most commonly take: Jaco Beach is usually my beach post when I need to be relatively near the airport. It’s a 2 hour drive to the airport from there, over half-decent roads (this is a biggie down there). Generally, as a tropical beach destination, Jaco completely sucks ass. But as a place to party down, it rules. We usually hit it up on the first and last nights of any trip, and then again anytime we’re driving from the northern part of the country to the south (or vice-versa)– it’s the most centrally-located beach town.

When in Jaco, you must visit the Beetle Bar. But beware: it doubles as a whore house. There’s a hotel next door that rents rooms by the hour. Still, my wife and I have closed that place down, partying with a Portugue, 3 Israelis and a Swiss couple, all of whom we picked up down south in Pavones. It’s a fun bar, and we didn’t even notice (that night) that it was half-whorehouse. But pickins might be a little slim for you in Jaco: generally, it’s a place for sex tourists and people who are too dumb to know better. But you might luck out and catch a group of sex-starved surfers who are on their way to points south: it’s not a bad place to catch a ride, in more ways then one.

We’ve stayed at Hotel El Rancho in Jaco often, and found it to be half-decent for the money. But make sure you check out the rooms before you pay anywhere you stay in Jaco. We once had to lay our tarp over our bed there before we would sleep on it (not at El Rancho). Beware: we managed to break the bed at El Rancho one night, it was funny and I felt like th King of the Earth for a few minutes, but it took a week to get the splinters out of my Johnson.

Near Jaco, just south, you have some really cool beaches with good surf. Playa Hermosa is a prime destination for surfers who are too lazy to explore further; and, fortunately for them, it has one of the best beachbreaks in the country. You will be sure to get yourself into all sorts of trouble here, if you’re looking for something in your Plan B group. If you want peace and quiet and a super-long beach to walk, we’ve loved Auberge La Felizidad in Esterrillos Centro. Just look for their sign on the costanera highway 20K or so south of Jaco. There will be no weiners for you here, but it’s a hell of a place to go once you’ve got one.

Going South

All my favorite places in the country are south of Jaco, so we’ll go south first. So, heading south from Jaco, you’ll want to stop at Manuel Antonio and do a day’s hiking in the park there. It’s awesome, but it’s a park that’s kind of like a zoo, because the jungle there is surrounded by development and the animals can’t get out. So wildlife is easy to spot when you’re in the park ’cause there are lots of animals crammed (aka trapped) in there. Even so, it’s just one of those things you should see. Walk slow and you’ll see 10 times more than all the annoying tourists from Texas who blow past you. It’s also a great place to watch white-faced monkeys throw turds at tourists.

Manuel Antonio is really touristy, and is popular with the golf-and-sportfishing crowd. So you’re apt to find lots of 40 and 50-something sugar daddies there, if that’s your thing. Just post up at a nice hotel there and you’ll find your way…

Heading south from there, you’ll turn inland and travel 60-80 or so K over a dusty washboard road toward Dominical. Dominical is a grubby little surf town that I’ve compared to Lord of the Flies in the past: there are lots of gringo expat surfers there taking their first crack at territorialism. Still, it’s a lawless kind of bohemian surf mecca that attracts lots of interesting international characters. You would have some fun here, without a doubt. There are a handful of bars and restaurants, a nice beach (with kind of gnarly surf, so be careful), and some cool hikes across the highway in the mountains. It’s small and funky, but generally feels pretty safe and friendly, especially if you’re not a surfer. We’ve played a mean night of beerpong there, and spent a Thanksgiving there too.

My absolute favorite place in the whole country, Matapalo and the Osa Peninsula, is south of Dominical. Problem is, if you’re bussing it I think you’ll probably want to skip this area: it’s easier if you just fly in there from San Jose on a puddle jumper. I think buses will go to Puerto Jimenez, but it’s a bitch and takes forever. I’m not sure they will take you down the Costanera though– actually, I think even the bus to Dominical leaves from San Jose, not Jaco, and goes over the mountains down the Interamericana highway.

There are 2 ways to hit up the Osa Peninsula: one way is to fly or drive into Puerto Jimenez and then take a taxi out to Matapalo from there. This is purely a getaway kind of thing– you will likely find only couples out at Matapalo, though if the surf’s good there will be a decent helping of your Plan B group in evidence. Despite the relative lack of available dick, and the complete absence of night life (you eat where you stay as part of your room and board, there are no restaurants) , this place is like no other place I’ve ever been. Pristine. Dense jungle. Beautiful beaches. It’s amazing there. We stay at Encanta la Vida there. Make a reservation in advance. It’s also pretty expensive.

The other way is to hit it from the other end via Sierpe. This is a shit ton of fun too, ’cause you take a speedboat down the Rio Sierpe into the ocean, then navigate around the peninsula over to Bahia Drake or points beyond. There are no roads out there. Use Drake or Poor Man’s Paradise as your jumping-off-point to guided hikes in the Corcovado preserve. I scoffed at the thought of a guide, but was sure fuckin’ glad I had one once I was in there: it’s intense. You need a guide your first time in. Once again– this isn’t a place you will go to party.

OK, that’s about as far south as you’ll want to go on the Pacific side. I’d avoid Pavones and Golfito for reasons I don’t need to discuss here ’cause you know ‘em. Read this book if you’re curious. Though there’s a bar in Golfito with the best rum selection on the planet. Problem is, I was so drunk last time I was there that I can’t remember the name.

OK, rewind back to San Jose. So we’re back at the bus station in San Jose now.

Spewing Loads (of Lava)

It’s not the best place for you to find some action, but you really need to see Volcan Arenal if you go to Costa Rica. This fuckin’ thing is spitting lava all day and all night every day. If it’s not too cloudy when you’re there, you’ll be able to hang out in the Tabacon hot springs at the swim-up bar, sipping cuba libres while you watch the volcano go berserk. If it’s cloudy, you’ll just hear it burp but you won’t see it. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe the swim up bar at Tabacon would land you some upper-middle class Euro-wang. More like probably. So from the airport, you’ll bus it out to Fortuna de Arenal. You can stay in town there or you can spring for the more expensive places out by Tabacon, closer to the mountain. At night, on clear nights, it’s a lightshow like none other. The night we were there the volcano was flowing red lava, the fireflies were lighting up the trees all around us and there was lightning hitting the mountain. Un-fucking-real.

New Age Surf Ghetto

From Arenal you can bus it north around the lake down to Cañas on the highway, then head northwest from there up to Tamarindo. I fuckin’ hate Tamarindo, but nearby Playa Grande is a bit better, and both will be chock full of fleshpile opportunites for Your Mama. Tamarindo is like Santa Cruz Sur, only smaller, with tons of traveling surfers, loud bars and clueless 50-year-old longboarders, mixed with your younger not-so-adventurous surf-rats from Florida who still need a Best Western to fall back on should the native fare be too… native. There’s a really active, varied nightlife there though, and the beach is really good. If you can’t get laid in Tamarindo, there’s something wrong with you: the selection will be pretty good– from the golf and fishing crowd to the surf and fuck crowd. It’s also a good place to see turtles.

North of Tamarindo, I’ve enjoyed staying at Playa Hermosa (different than the one near Jaco). It’s a pretty quiet, tranquil beach. I think you’ll be looking at a more refined caliber of weiner here– no packs of traveling surfers, ’cause there’s no surf here.

I’ve consistently skipped Playa Negra, south of Tamarindo, but I hear it’s good. Pretty heavily-trafficked with the surf crew too.

Euro Trash Girl

I’ve spent a lot of time at Malpaís, at the southern tip of the Nicoya peninsula. It was a quiet little dirt strip loaded with surf when I first started going there, but I hear it’s gotten pretty developed and has kind of become Montezuma Norte (more on Montezuma to come). I enjoyed it because of the variety of travelers we met there, from all over the world. Was a really exciting 20-something traveling community there, back when we were 20-something travelers. There’s just enough nightlife there to keep you rockin’, and there should be no shortage of Euro dudes there for you to entertain yourself with. The howler monkeys will help to conceal the moaning.

Around the corner from Malpaís is the Euro Trash Mecca: Montezuma. It’s a party town really popular with European travelers. There’s a great nightlife there, lots of really interesting shops, restaurants and clubs, some great hiking (a nearby waterfall is insane) and some beautiful beaches. I think it’d be pretty easy for you to get stuck there, because it’s sort of a happening little community– but I wasn’t traveling single and there’s no surf there, so we only made day-trips there from Malpaís when the surf was flat. You will find a wide variety of illicit entertainment in Montezuma, no doubt.

From Montezuma you can bus it over to the Ferry dock over at Paquare, then catch a pretty fun ferry ride across the gulf over to Puntarenas. They serve booze on the boat, so I’ve always enjoyed the trip. It takes a couple of hours.

Puntarenas completely sucks ass. A classic Third World port city. Run, don’t walk, outta there. But the good thing is that it’s close to San Jose and close to Jaco, which brings us back full circle. Puntarenas to the ferry to Montezuma is one of the other directions you can take from San Jose when you land at the airport. Start early though– it’ll take you most of the day to get out there.

(Butt)Crack

The 4th direction you can head from San Jose is east to the Caribbean. The Caribbean is basically its own country down there. It’s totally different: food, culture and nature is all completely different. It’s rasta, ‘mon. Puerto Viejo is a small surf party town complete with reggae clubs, Red Stripe, reefs and turquoise water. It’s also a great place to go on a crack binge and come home with AIDS. Crack is a problem there. A big problem. I was there for 3 hours and was offered 4 kinds of drugs by approximately 20 strangers while sitting on a bar stool that fronted the street. No takers here: gimme a glass of Centenario and a cuban cigar and I’m a happy wop.

It’s also a good place to get killed if you mention that you know Allan.

But, if you keep your mouth shut and dodge the drugs, I think you’d have a lot of fun there. If you’re there though, you need to head out to Manzanillo, down at the end of the road, and take a hike out to Punta Mona, then beer up in the brewery there. It’s the only brewery I’ve ever been where the waiters smoked spliffs while they served me beer. We stayed in Manzanillo for a while– it was really nice and quiet, and beautiful.

OK, so that’s about it. I expect a full report when you get back. Maybe post a comment here, so we can all find out how it went for you…

(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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