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Do you think Parker really spits when he’s tasting?

I mean, really?  Do you really think he actually spits out this glorious love juice we call wine?  When you think about it, if Jesus really went through the trouble to turn water into wine, then wouldn’t it be disrespectful– even sacrelegious or an outright affront to God– to spit it out?

No, I refuse to believe anyone would spit out a wine that tastes this good.  At least that’s what I told myself upon sucking down this whole bottle tonight.  You know what that means?

That means that guys like Parker have ended up shit-rotten hammered and pissing in their neighbors’ rose garden while performing the necessary research required to write some of the crap that has made them famous.   Think about it.  Picture Parker puking out the passenger window of a stretch limo.  I’d bet it has happened more than once.

How do I know this?

Because if I was staring at a case of this Varner Hidden Block Pinot Noir from Spring Ridge Vineyard, I’d be well into my 2nd or 3rd bottle by now.  But alas, I only had one bottle and that’s all gone now.  It’s so good I just couldn’t stop.  In fact, it’s so good that I want to take a fuckin’ bath in it.  I’d lick this shit out of a toilet bowl if that’s all there was left of it.  I’d lick it off the ass of a transvestite hooker in Tijuana if I had to.  It’s that good.

I know, I know, I should probably focus on the delicate nuances of flavor, the bell-like clarity, the crisp, clear layers of goodness that roll around in your mouth and make me think of all sorts of decadence.  The terroir, the oak, the minerality… all that.  I could maybe even  ruminate (a word I like ’cause it contains rum) on how they made such a light-colored wine taste so rich.

But all I can think about is how ridiculously ridiculous it is that a wine can be this… well… good.  I mean… shit.  I know that, as a reviewer, I should be able to come up with a better descriptor than just “good”.  But…it’s just… good.  Great.  Wonderful.  Perfect.  There you go.

Did I mention that, if I were at a party right now, I’d be they guy saying “I love you man!”?  Sorry, but I just couldn’t leave the other half of this bottle for tomorrow.  I think I mentioned that already.  Fuckthisshitisgoodfuggetaboutit.

Points?  This stuff is above all that.

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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