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Root |root|:
1.
verb, Australian origin; recreational procreation, with all the “pro”s and no “creation” (if things go as planned).
See Also: horizontal mambo, shag, beast with two backs.
Uses: “Rootin’ in the Back of the Ute” (Kevin Bloody Wilson.  Translated: “Fucking in the Back of the Truck”), or “Oy, youse wanna go ‘ave a root before the old lady gets home?”

2.
noun, Santa Cruz origin; Gabe Potkowski’s nickname.

I was first introduced to the slang form of the word “Root” in high school, when we slapped an astonishingly stupid Pollock friend of ours with that same nickname.  This because he was convinced to purchase some shaggy-looking pubic hair mixed with sawdust from a local rastafarian, with the promise that it was “Ganja root, mon– it get you mighty irie.”  Needless to say, it didn’t.  But the name stuck.

Years later, I was reintroduced to the verb form of the word by a diminutive Aussie girl with a missing front tooth inside “The Party” club in Surfer’s Paradise, when she shouted at me over the roar of a Pearl Jam tune “Oy Seppo, youse wanna go down the beach and ‘ave a root?”  The subsequent reflection about my dumb Pollock friend caused me to miss a beat or two before busting a gut laughing, which she didn’t take so well.  Needless to say, we didn’t.  But two of my less-discriminating Aussie buddies were happy to oblige.

Then, after a good 15 years of forgetting about the alternate forms of the word, I got an email from someone at Art in the Age, asking me if I would like to try a bottle of ROOT, a brand new 100% organic American cane liqueur.  I have to admit, I was skeptical; though I instantly admired their sense of humor:  the unspoken subtext of the name meaning to me that you drink some ROOT with your date and then drop trou and root your way to kingdom cum.  In my mind, with the marketing muscle they’ve thrown at this product, there’s no way in hell no one had thought of this lovely double entendre.  So I immediately liked them, as a company.

In the last couple of years, we’ve received some pretty weird shit in the mail.  Some of it has been reviewed here, and some not (it’s the “can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything” approach).  It has been a long time since someone sent us something really good.  I’m happy to report that the long dry spell has now officially ended.  ROOT is awesome.

ROOT is a natural spirit made from the same stuff you use to make root beer, which started out as “root tea”, a native American fermented beverage made from spices and cane.  Years later, some puritanical dumbass found a way to strip the alcohol out of it, which resulted in what we now know as Sasparilla, Birch Beer or Root Beer.  Funny… when it was called “tea” it got you loaded, but when it was called “beer” it got you fat.

Then along came Art in the Age, an artist’s collective out of Philadelphia, PA.  They revived the old recipe and distilled it into a truly unique sipping spirit.

This stuff is made of sugar cane, cloves, cinnamon, orange peel, cardamom, lemon, nutmeg, birch bark, spearmint, wintergreen, allspice and smoked black tea.  Basically, it’s 80 proof Indian Chai with a kick.  I like it in a Riedel tequila glass with a single ice cube, where it smells almost exactly like root beer.  The taste is akin to an aged spiced rum, without the cloying sweetness.  It finishes amazingly clean, leaving a super pleasant spicy tingle that reminds me of the last time I sat butt naked on a pile of goose down while sipping mocha chai.

I’ll save the goose down story for another review.

You might think that this is just another gimmicky mixer that’ll make a splash for awhile with the 18-year-olds in Ensenada for spring break.  Wrong.  This is a sipping spirit of the highest caliber that happens to also make a really fucking good root beer float.

Let me reiterate:  it makes a really fucking good root beer float.  Talk about a party in a glass– one 16oz ROOT float on a hot day and you’re almost required to be bare-assed on the slip-and-slide.

I like this stuff a lot.  In fact, it’s going to be my new drink of choice for awhile.  I’m actually quite pissed off that I asked them to send the larger sample down to the San Diego contingent, who have yet to weigh in on this review.  Hopefully we’ll hear from them soon.  Chances are, they’re too busy with the slip-and-slide.

So this reviewer is giving ROOT a solid 100 point score, with another 10 added on for being totally organic, and 5 more to be added if I actually get to root my wife tonight.

Cheers!

PS, apparently this stuff is so new that you may not see it in your local liquor store.  You can get some online here:  http://www.hitimewine.net/istar.asp?a=29

(5 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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