Stone Twelfth Anniversary Bitter Chocolate Oatmeal Stout
Stouts in the summertime? There really is nothing fun about knocking back a stout when my tits are sweating and my balls look like bat wings from sticking to the sides of my legs. Does Stone know something that I don’t?  Fuck it, I’ll try anything once, or in this case, twice.Â
Bought a 12th Anniversary at Windmill Farms by SDSU for $5.49. Just looking at the bottle, I’m glad that they kept the same color scheme as the 11th Anniversary. The blue and silver just looks good. There is a huge rant about the hop shortage on the side of the bottle which apparently led to the 12th Anniversary being a stout and not an IPA or DIPA as in previous years. 9.2% abv WOW!  This bitch is bigger than Rosie O’Donnel’s vag and burns your throat worse than when the cellophane that you put over your mouth breaks when traveling down the yellow river. Not quite the burn of a Mephastopheles from Avery, but it will still light up your mouth like the first time that you tried huffing gas. You may want to age this one for a while until it mellows out a bit. Â
The color of this stout is black, and I mean completely opaque. Spelunkers rejoice! The initial quaff reveals a heavy mouthfeel, thick and almost chewy. However, I can’t get over the burning sensation and utter lack of hops.  No, I didn’t expect this stout to be hoppy, but I miss the hop-kick. Some impressions of bitter chocolate, but not as chocolaty as I thought it would be if that makes sense. Oatmeal? Yeah, it’s probably in there somewhere behind the burn, but I can’t really appreciate the taste or smoothness that it should demonstrate.Â
Is this beer making me sweat more? Yes. There is nothing summery about this beer. Shit. I’m going to need a towel. Or two towels. One for drying off each sopping wet tit. Now I know how my wife feels when I miss her face. Â
Stone:  thank you for making me remember why I don’t drink stouts in the summertime.
Official BoozeReviews Score:Â 72.3/100
L’Chaim!
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(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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I bought a bottle of this during my IPA education runner, mostly because I usually like Stouts more than IPAs, and because I liked the bottle. I thought it tasted like ass. In fact, I didn’t finish it. For me, not finishing an alcoholic beverage is akin to not finishing sex… in that it’s pretty goddamn rare. Basically, I rolled off of her halfway through and just said “alright, that’s all you get ’cause I’m going to just jerk off and go to sleep instead.”
I think it would make a pretty good steak marinade though, if you throw in some garlic and soy sauce.
Yeah, this one was tough to get through. But, I remember 11th Anniversary being a bit harsh as well. I really hope that Stone starts bringing back the seasonal IPA.