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The Green Flash is a 22oz “one-bottle bomb” kind of beer with a healthy hop load and a remarkably clear color for a beer this big.  That’s likely to be the last coherent half-sentence I craft tonight, because, at 9% ABV,  this stuff’s going to have me drooling on myself shortly.

I have to qualify everything I say here with the following:  I’ve been force feeding myself tons of these giant California IPAs for the last week because I’m desperately trying to understand this whole hophead thing that’s sweeping the microbrew industry these days.  And Goddamn, sometimes I truly feel like a Dirty Debutante with two hands on the back of her head, choking during the filming of her debut video.  I mean, sometimes it’s a real committment to suck these fuckers down.  Some of them are downright undrinkable, if you ask me.  I mean, you might as well add some grass to a bowl full of cracked barley, pour some vodka on it and eat it with a spoon.  Or a fork.

But, see, the other reviewers here are pretty committed to deep throating these beastly beers… and I’m trying to understand why.  As such, I’ve decided to make my first ever IPA.  Now, I’ve been brewing beer for 15 years– in college, before I was old enough to buy a 12-pack for myself, I figured out that I was old enough to buy the ingredients to make a keg of my own.  Me being the curious, industrious drunk that I am, making a keg of beer seemed like a lot better (and cheaper) than buying one already made.  And it was legal too.  Well, mostly legal, I think.  So I made beer.

And now I’m making another batch, this time an IPA, and I need some empty bottles.  So here we are, looping back to this golden-colored cock, er, glass in front of me.

OK, so this stuff is really drinkable.  It’s actually really enjoyable.  Even my wife kind of likes it, based on the booty-shaking she’s doing in the kitchen behind me.  I might even get laid later.  But– not to bite the hand that feeds me or anything– I think these guys are cheatin’:

They added honey to this shit.  They had to.  It’s basically the color of Budweiser, and there ain’t no way they could get ahold of this whopping 9-oh alcohol and keep that color without adding either light honey or a massive rice extract kicker.  The extra sugar in it gives it that slippery smoothness that makes it palateable despite the whopping load of flavoring hops in there.  It’s like they put some honey-flavored lube on just before skullfucking you with a beastly meatpole.  And I like it.  Never thought I’d say I like getting skullfucked by a honey-flavored meatpole, but hey, there’s a first for everything.

And the hop notes in the nose are nice.  There are some fresh, floral notes there.  So I guess I could say it cuddles a little first, before it does the aforementioned skullfucking.

I mean, if Big Alcohol is your goal, why not just make a straight pale ale, dry hop it and then pour a gallon of Stoli vodka into the fermenter with it?  Be easier.

But really… I’m not knocking these guys.  This is great beer.  Way, way better than most of the hop monster meatpoles I’ve been gagging on all week.  It’s just that it got me thinking… about things like skullfucking and vodka.  What the hell’s up with that?

(4 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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