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Ahhh… beer pong… a true gentleman’s game that, in my humble opinion, ought to be an Olympic Event. In fact, I have participated in some beer pong tournaments of near-olympic caliber. Well here’s a list of some good– and bad– beer pong beers for your next physical training session at the table.

The lifeguards in my hometown do this event once-a-year called the “Run, Drink and Drown”. This event requires a few things of its participants: (1) There are 5 lifeguard towers along the 1.2 mile stretch of beach that is Main Beach and Cowells Beach. Participants in the Run, Drink and Drown must be able to sprint this distance. (2) The towers are each spaced equal distances from one-another. Run, Drink and Drowners must sprint to each tower, stop, and chug a beer before sprinting to the next tower… where they must stop again, chug a beer, etc. (C) The last tower is located at the top of a ladder extending into the ocean from our wharf. This is where the drowning occurs, as those who have ran and drank 4 beers in under 10 minutes, must now swim 100 yards out to the ladder, climb it, then chug one last beer before puking off the wharf, onto those who are still climbing the ladder.

First man standing on the wharf wins….

The last thing you want for an event like this is a 6-pack of Guinness.

Now, you may be wondering by now what all this has to do with Beer Pong.

Well, the two events have some basic things in common:

(1) They are both physically gruelling events, requiring the utmost in physical training from the athletes involved;

(2) They both involve beer;

(3) You can do both stoned;

(D) Often times, both involve puking and handcuffs;

(5) Neither one is good with Guinness.

See, choosing the right beer to accompany athletic events is akin to choosing the right cigar to go with your rum or the right video to go with your blow-up-doll. Choose a thick beer and your festivities will end too early, with everyone rolling on the floor and holding their distended guts. Conversely, choosing a gutless beer is cheating. And there’s nothing worse than someone who cheats at beer pong. My mother-in-law cheats at beer pong. At least she cheated last time she drank me under the table and sunk the ball in my glass 3 times….

But I digress.

So I’ll use the time-honored game of Beer Pong as my sample athletic event for the purposes of this review. Those of you who don’t know what beer pong is will have to read another (forthcoming) post in the “Your Mama” category here at BoozeReviews.net.

Budweiser is a pretty good beer pong beer, except if you manage to hang in for more than an hour, your farts will become a distraction to you and your opponents. Masters of the Budweiser Beer Pong Fart Distraction Technique (BBPFDT) have learned to use this unruly, loud and exceptionally rotten flatulence to their advantage in heated tournaments; but I must warn you that this technique is not for the faint-hearted. I once saw a man gag on one of his own farts while returning a near-sinker serve with his backhand– the act of gagging caused him to loosen his paddle-grip just enough for the palm-sweat to allow the paddle to wiggle loose and fly across the table, where it was smacked back at him by a merciless mother-in-law and henceforth embedded cruelly in the gagger’s groin.

Coors has roughly the same effect, but without the added flavor. I find Coors farts only manifest if you’ve had more than 6 in an hour’s span (easy to do during a beer pong smack-down), but they smell worse and you run the odd risk of sharting.

Both these domestics, at roughly 5% alcohol, will get you pretty rotten drunk by the time you win (or lose).

Mexican beers are good beer pong beers. I like Tecate in a can for beer pong. It’s cheap, doesn’t have as much of a flatulence factor as Bud, and is alcoholic enough that it makes the game challenging (we all know it ain’t beer pong unless you can’t see the ball). Oh yeah, and it tastes decent if you stop chugging long enough to notice. If you’re feeling flush and want to impress the neighbors, I find Pacifico to be a nice upgrade.

Climate is a big factor when choosing a beer pong beer. You don’t want any of those cold weather I’ve-gotta-drink-this-syrup-to-get-meeself-warm beers. Anybody who plays beer pong with stout needs to get their head examined. When choosing a Beer Pong beer, it’s important to choose from beers that come from warm climates. So ask yourself, “Self, what’s the weather like in Costa Rica?” Well, self, the answer is Warm. And if the answer is Warm, then, chances are you’ve got yourself a potential Beer Pong beer. In fact, I think cerveza Imperial would make an excellent, if not Hall of Fame, Beer Pong Beer. See, in warm climates people drink golden-colored beers. When it’s hot out, you want something refreshing. And when you’re chugging 16oz of beer because your mother-in-law just sunk a dog-shit encrusted ping pong ball in your glass, the last thing you want is a hoppy, chewey beer.

All Australian beers, with the exception of Toohey’s Old, make great Beer Pong beers. Fosters, however, has even more of a flatulence factor than Bud does (but it’s not a real Aussie beer anyway). In fact, Australian beers– real ones like VB and XXXX– probably make the best all-around beers for just about anything. I mean, I think the Aussies use ‘em for just about everything, from powering their cars to to breakfast to inseminating their women. And they don’t skimp on the alcohol, so you’re pretty likely to end up celebrating your beer pong victory by pissing all over you mom’s petunias, with a load of crap in your pants, while shouting insults at the local cop.

I’d work my way around the world… but it’s getting late so I’ll leave it at this: When shopping for beer pong beers, think Equatorial. Buy warm-weather beers or beers from places where they drink during breakfast, like Australia, and you’ll be headed for a good ol’ fashioned good time lurching around the Pong Table.

(2 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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