BoozeReviews.net

This website is intended for an audience over 21 years old, and contains some profanity and lots of stories about all sorts of things that happen while imbibing alcohol. If you are not of legal drinking age, or you are easily offended by profanity, then please, for our sake and yours, go away. Otherwise... enjoy the site, and hopefully we'll make you laugh in the process. And make sure you check out our ratings system on your first visit, so you know how we're judging this stuff.

Also, when we give a bad review of something here, before you get offended, please consider the source! And we've recently opened the blog up to comments, so feel free to register and post your thoughts on our reviews.

OK, so you're over 21? You can handle crudeness, juvenile humor and profanity? Then read on...

The label on Port Brewing’s Hop 15 Double IPA shows a bunch of WWII bombers dropping hop bombs into a frothy pint glass of beer, and no one is going to sue these guys for misrepresentation. Read more »

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Kegerators.com just introduced a pretty interesting way to shop for a kegerator based on the specific kind of degenerate you are.  I like this.  Now if they would just consider sending me one or giving me a fat discount on one, I could write a detailed review… 

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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I was commenting to my wife the other day that I hadn’t written a booze review in a long time because I’ve been finding it hard to be happy lately.  And me, I need to be happy to even think about being funny, usually.  With the economy in the shitter and Fox news shoving the crap back up our asses, a lot of us have been feeling… well… shitty.  Myself included.

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(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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There’s an initiative in the works right now that needs 400,000 more signatures to get on the November ballot.  If it gets on the ballot and passes, it would increase the tax on a bottle of wine by 12,675% — from 4¢ per bottle to $5.11. Beer too. That means $5 more per 6-pack. Really.

Unless all you want to choose from are a few big wineries and breweries who can afford this tax, this initiative cannot pass.

Read this article:  http://www.gilroydispatch.com/news/264468-updated-5-tax-on-bottle-of-wine

Raise hell.  Hurl insults at anyone who tries to get you to sign this measure.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Once a year Russian River releases a beer that is now so famous that El Guapo himself may elevate this to the category of in-famous. Beer heathens from all over the U.S. and abroad travel great lengths for the chance to taste and fill growlers of Pliny the Younger, a triple IPA that packs a serious wallop at 10% plus and “gobs” of IBU’s. What took a week last year to finish off was gone in less than 8 hours. Insanity. This is one man’s point of view of the experience. All photos courtesy of Chad, aka cpferris on BeerAdvocate.

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(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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I don’t care if the financial sector is crumbling or if the extreme religious fucks of the world are manufacturing their apocalyptic prophecy, in fact with a glass of the Bruery’s Black Tuesday in hand, I couldn’t care less. A bourbon barrel aged imperial stout with an astounding 19.5% abv., Black Tuesday is currently the most hyped beer in the beer geek realm.

After a rough pour, a beautiful chocolate brown head forms over a jet black body with a slightly brown twinge at the edge of the glass. I’d tell you about the lacing, but it’s so fucking pungent that I couldn’t stop swirling and smelling. Black Tuesday reeks of bourbon, charred oak, molasses, and dried dark fruits. Even with the glass 2 feet below, a bourbon soaked chocolate cake aroma can still be detected. Tuesday tastes like a vanilla bourbon truffle with a sprinkle of espresso. The coffee flavor comes out in the finish in what is otherwise dominated by bourbon, molasses and vanilla. The taste lingers for over a minute after each sip is gone; taste buds are saturated and nearly overwhelmed by the depth of flavor. Mouthfeel is thick and rich, but lightened by adequate carbonation. Considering the 19.5% abv, the drinkability is silly.

Black Tuesday is an amazing beer: the best imperial stout on the planet, bar none.

It’s no wonder that hundreds of people, including me, lined up hours before the release of this beer at the Bruery. The release price of $30 now looks like a bargain with bottles already selling for $100 on ebay. If you can get your hands on it, try it. But don’t be surprised if you’re asked to give up your youngest child in exchange.

That crash you heard wasn’t the stock market, it was me trying to drink a whole 750 ml of Black Tuesday by myself.

Official Boozereviews score: 100 points

(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Odonata Rorie's Ale

Goddamn, I drank far too much last weekend.  I mean, I had one of those weekends where, looking back now, I’m embarrassed.  I was a complete lazy drunken ass all fucking weekend long.

See, we went up to wine country.  Healdsburg, to be exact, and we stayed in a really nice house overlooking a lake.  ‘We’ being almost all the reviewers here on this obnoxious blog, we split the time evenly and divided our trip up into two kinds of days: beer days and wine days.  We had a lot of work to do there, so tasting typically began before breakfast.  Seeing that all of us see spitting wine (or beer) as alcohol abuse, I don’t think a single one of us made it past 9:00 on any given night.

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(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Another outlandishly good Pinot from Davis Family… I got 3 bottles 3 days ago and they’re already all gone.  Not gonna be too creative with this one because I’m already more than half-drunk…

…but, to put things in perspective, let’s use the following anecdote:  I uncorked and then immediately re-corked a bottle of an otherwise good Santa Cruz Mountains Pinot tonight– only because I’d had this Davis Pinot two nights running and the other (much more expensive) wine didn’t hold a candle to the Davis.  So I corked the SCM wine back up and opened a new (and my last) Davis Family bottle.

The mouth feel on this wine is… well… crap… this is going to sound kind of queer for a straight guy to say… the mouth feel is velvety.  In an effort to redeem myself I’ll get juvenile and say it’s velvety like a willing vagina.  Happy now?

The notes say it’s “food friendly”, but I’m going to counter that by saying it’s far too good to waste on food.  This one is a sipper– last night I held it on my tongue for a solid 30 seconds and it just kept on letting loose with damn near obscene goodness.  At 5 seconds it said “how ’bout some ripe cherries?”.  At 10 seconds it said “How ’bout some strawberries and cream?”.  At 20 seconds it said “Did I mention there was a pound of butter in the strawberries and cream?”.  At 30 seconds I was thinking about aged Guatemalan rum and a moist cuban cigar.  Not once did I taste astringency, harsh tannins or get a pucker in my sphincter (or palate).

I can’t believe that something this good is supposedly good for your heart.  God bless resveratrol and the winemakers that allow us to enjoy it in such a magnificent form.  While I’m at it, I think I’ll praise some other shit I love that’s good for you:  God bless blow jobs and surfing.

I’m giving this wine 120 points on my 100 point scale.  I’ve been drinking far too much Pinot lately, and this is the best of the recent lot.

(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Root |root|:
1.
verb, Australian origin; recreational procreation, with all the “pro”s and no “creation” (if things go as planned).
See Also: horizontal mambo, shag, beast with two backs.
Uses: “Rootin’ in the Back of the Ute” (Kevin Bloody Wilson.  Translated: “Fucking in the Back of the Truck”), or “Oy, youse wanna go ‘ave a root before the old lady gets home?”

2.
noun, Santa Cruz origin; Gabe Potkowski’s nickname.

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(5 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Had a long night last night at a bar that boasts 88 different kinds of tequila, which precipitated the following:

When you ask for the bar tab and it’s so long that the bartender has to roll it around a toilet paper roll, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

When the bartender looks at the tab, does a double take and says “wow, you drank all that?”, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

When the idea of fighting the bouncer looks like a fun challenge, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

When some jackass on coke decides you’re his best friend and spends a half hour telling you how much money he makes, and you don’t knock him off his stool because you can’t tell which double-vision version of him to hit, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

When you have to close one eye so you can see your wife on the stool next to you, you’ve been drinking to much tequila.

When you don’t notice she’s not your wife, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

If she ends up being a he, you’ve definitely been drinking too much tequila.

When your wife throws up in your office parking lot and you wash it away with your own piss and call it good, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

If you pissed on your boss’ tire in the process and washed that off with more piss, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

When you wake up on your office couch and lock yourself out of the office while puking in the bathroom, forcing you to have to either sleep in the hall or walk 3 miles home, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

When you don’t notice that the door’s not actually locked– you just can’t turn the knob — and still walk home, you’ve had too much tequila.

When the sidewalk repeatedly slaps you in the forehead on said walk home, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

When there’s a turd in your undies and you’re not sure whose it is, you’ve been drinking too much tequila.

(4 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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